my day will come

i didnt sleep last night. well i did, but for all of five minutes. i woke up scared because i had the same nightmare again. after that i spent the next 14 hours curled up in my bed listening to music.
its scary that it still happens. the only reason i can think of for it happening is that i still care. i mean, i do. but i dont know if i want to keep caring. it seems like every time i try to care, shit gets hairy and i get shut out. if youre reading this, just let me know what you want out of me, if i should try, or if its even worth it, cuz im willing. i always have been.

anyways, im pretty much too scared to go back to bed. i think im going even crazier, more than voices and shit

"this house is not a home..."

... When I'm left alone.

so i felt like the voices should be unleashed again. basically they are just being cruel lately.
torturing me about the mistakes ive made in recent days. telling me ive lost people forever and its all my fault. not letting me live down everything ive done wrong.
i just want to be gone. leave. never have to come back. it doesnt matter where i go or what i do, i just need to go away. or maybe not leave, just go on hyadus, not talk to anyone.
but i dunno. i just want to be free.
or maybe ill just crawl deep down in a hole with a big big bottle of pyrat...

the one thing i really hoped would change when summer came, really the only thing i hoped would change, is my nightmares. theyve been haunting me for months now. let me correct that. one nightmare, singular. for those of you who know about it, you probly think its nothing now, but it still affects me just as bad every single night as it did when it first started. i dont see why anymore. it made sense at first, but now its just a harsh reminder of how things used to be and what theyll never be again. i really hate it. and i get the feeling that the voices are whats causing it....

this is what happens when im left to my own devices

a few things to be addressed.....

wow. this really is not the start to summer i expected. a party. a dance. everything has just seemed so fun... but i cant help but feel empty...
i mean, im etting myself get out of hand and i have no reason to stop. no ones given me one. and that is probably the worst thing to say, that im basing it on other people, but thats how my life has always been.
but on that note. based on my conversation last night... we spent all night arguing who's wrong and right, but all you needed to say were a few words and that promise is reinstated, if you want it to go back to the way it was. so i hope you figure out what i mean.
and i do mean what i said. everything ive ever truly honestly meant has been imprinted on my memory, and that was probably one of the truest statements that i had made all year.

*If you could see inside my head,Then you'd start to understand,The things I value in my heart.*

...and so it begins

i honestly cant believe it. weve come so far and everything has changed, and here comes summer, off to the same start as always.
i mean, its hard to believe that 9 months ago, the people that i now call family had no idea who i was other than the fact that i was some kid at the new school they were going to across the state, the country, even the world. and now everyone is on their way back. so i cant help to wonder...
is everything going to be different next year? will the same people be my family? or will i have to start over again, and again the next year, and the year after that...?
im so proud of what ive accomplished this past year and of who ive come to know and love. but i cant help but be scared of the three month absence that has just begun, marking the inevitable change on its way. i mean nothing can stay perfect, but is it too much to ask? for once just let everything that is good stay that way?
anyways, my summers of to an exciting start to sitting in my room with the lights off and the music on, just as every single day. so for those of you who read this: keep in touch, and even more importantly, dont forget about me. i am going to miss you guys so much and cant wait to see you again, whenever that may be...

*the lower and lower you get cut down, the stronger and stronger you prove yourself and the human soul to be"

broken records

today was a wierd day. somehow ive managed to become what i used to be, the guy girls ask about other guys. i dont really get it, i mean i havent been in a relationship in a year, and two of three girls who asked me i hardly talk to anymore. its just lovely.

im worried about the future. about what happens over and after summer. it will change everything. and i dont think im ready for it. some people just need to get their shit together (agreed?). i really dont know what IM planning for the summer and next year. at this point i dont think it matters. i mean... have you ever felt so small and insignificant? like everyone else has made themself a part of something that matters, but i feel like im the only person that hasnt. i just wish i knew what i meant when i typed this shit, cuz to be 100% honest i feel like im running in circles.

i really wish i had something profound to say but i honestly dont. and i really wish i had something to get me away from here but all that little pill did was give me a headache and make it that much harder to pay attention when people asked for advice. god i hate being the bearer of bad news, i shouldve just lied and let her figure it out for herself. i mean at this point it doesnt matter what happens. and i dont really care what happens to people that dont care what happens to me.

wow, i really cant wait to leave this all behind and start over fresh (p.s. my eyes are so fucking red for those of you who actually know what hat means)

"i used too many words tonight..."

wa- boosh

hmmm i dont even know where to begin. so lets just let it flow out....

i love the changes weve seen throughout the year. trying on new looks, new music, new friends, new personalities, new everything. some worked, some didnt. some people will push and crawl over whoever they can and change in whatever way they can as long as they are benefitted, no matter who they are crushing under them. some people are lucky enough to have people who will help them rise above so that they dont have to crush anyone else. some people are content where they are.

i wonder where i fall from other peoples perspective? i mean i know im not the nicest person and ive definately hurt my fair share of people, but ive never pushed anyone down for my own personal gain, i dont think. o well, i dont know. maybe hit me back with what you think on that topic.

the one thing i am greatful for is the people who have sense enough to a. realize that something is wrong. and b. actually want to help.
ive seen people who know something is wrong and just sit by because they are more comfortable with the position they are in now because theyve trampled over me and the people like me to get there.

in the end, cuz this week officially marks the end, i am glad that events have turned out the way that they have. because ive seen who has stuck by me and who has fallen to the wayside and who has pushed me down. these people are the people that ive cared about throughout this year and my life, and some of them i do wish hadnt made choices theyve made, and some of them i wish had made those choices sooner, and some of them i somewhat wish both...

now that it is all over, and my plan to not talk to certain people has pretty much prevailed, it marks the beginning. my favorite part about this beginning is how much fun i am going to have erasing this year from my memory (permanently?). mwahaha. =-]

something that needs to be addressed...

okay. so i know that one of my friends recently touched on this topic, but it eats away at me day by day, i need to let it out now:

never ever ever say something that you dont 100% mean and plan to back it up with your actions.

• dont ever say i love you and then constantly avoid/blow off the person you say it to.
• dont ever EVER say "forever" unless you completely and abosolutely mean until the end of time, because no one ever means it.
• never say "i will always be here for you" unless you actually plan on returning every text, message, call, or im that someone sends you when they are lonely and scared. if you blow them off, you are just hurting them more.
• again, NEVER say "i love you" to someone just because you can, say it because you it is appropriate. appropriate use of "i love you" does in fact imply that you will "be there" for that person "forever". no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

i only know maybe three people that will read this. one of you should deeply think about this. but more importantly, you should forward this to the person it is truly directed at. because ive let things like this eat away at me for too long, and now i just feel sick every time i think about when you've all lied by saying these words to me like they have no meaning.

every time that i have told you something, i have been completely honest. i choose my words in such a way that i plan to never have to go back on them. when i say i'll always be there for you, i mean it. i will return every text/call/message/im/email that comes my way, and you know it. when ive said i love you, i meant it outright with all the implied meanings as well. and i still mean it, and that is why i am so fed up. because when you truly TRULY mean something, its not something that goes away easily, if ever.

i created this blog to unleash what is on my heart and mind, hence the title "HEAVY HEARTS", so dont expect anything happy very often, thats not what this blog is meant for. i DO have happy thoughts (not so often anymore), however this is not the place for them.

"every word you never said echoes down your empty hallway. everything that was your world just came down..."

i wonder...

the more time i spend alone while waiting for my friends to leave the less and less i have to say.

i realized that im so ready for them to leave though. some people i just dont want to see, ever. some people just make it impossible to have fun with them anymore. some always have something better to do, even if they claim they never have anything better to do.
but at the same time im going to miss everyone like crazy. so im really at a loss for words about how i feel. i jsut wish everyone felt like making the best out of the end like i want to, and i mean including me when i say that....

o well fuck it. im done in a few days so it doesnt even matter.
just give me something to get my head away from here. at this point ill do anything to change everything...

*welcome to my world, where everyone i ever need always ends up leaving me alone.*

p.s. ...

so i figured out a way to explain how my mind feels that would be somewhat easier to understand...

imagine driving a car (with a REALLY clean windshield) and youre strapped in so tight that you cant even move. in the car with you are a group of other annoying people that arent buckled in and all they do is mock you and try to make you go INSANEEEE!

r-evolution

i feel like im stuck running in place....
everytime someone wants something from me i try my hardest to give them what they ask or and i become the person that they dont want me to be. i become someone that i shouldnt be, and it always just backfires on me.

i feel like im stuck in a body that wont set me free...
i look around and it feels like im just someTHING stuck in a cage that is my head. i can never leave and its the only thing that i want to do.
often there are multiple voices going on inside of my head at once that drive me crazy!

• theres the one that creates every thought that i have
• the one that repeats that though and turns it into a solid memory
• the one that mocks the previous voice
• the one that reasures me that i am correct
• and all at the same time there is an optimistic and pessimistic voice, neither of them heling me get anywhere.

a good majority of the time ive learned to deal with these voices and ignore them. but they always always always rear their ugly heads and hurt me.

i just wish that i could leave my head for a while, not through drugs or suicide or anything, but just be carefree, leave the cellmates within my head behind, if just for a while, and be truly happy for once.

these voices and thoughts have always kept me an introverted person, so i am always alone in a crowd. the only way ive ever found to get rid of them for a while is to be with someone who understands me, one on one in person, and just talk about everything going on. i havent done this in months now, and to be honest im afraid to, because these voices tend to scare everyone away, even those who think that theyre up to the challenge. so please, someone, i need you to step up because im losing myself now...

end of a beginging marks the beginning of an end but soon the beginning is no longer a beginning but the end of the end....

so the year is over, we dont have anymore classes, just review for finals next week. this means that most of my friends are going away for the summer and i begin my solo journey for the next three months. i have set a few goals for myself though...

1. i need to get my knee and back healthy again if im going to play varsity football as a sophmore. so i have to work out atleast 5 days a week, double on three of them.

2. i am going to church camp again and i am excited. but mostly, i really want to get back in tough with my beliefs because ive really gone astray over the past year.

3. i need to figure out what the hell im doing and where i want to go in my life. this means try and figure out some friendships and only worry about people worth being worried about. which leads me to #4...

4. somehow ive managed to always have atleast one close friendship in my life and it has always helped me make it through whatever i am dealing with. and sometimes it can get to be a lot. but some people cant take me. so when it comes to someone who couldnt take me and hasnt aknowledged my presence in over a week (again), ive decided i am just going to stop trying to fix it at all. i will not speak unless spoken to and i will not go out of my way to do anything.

5. i do want to aknowledge a few people who have basically kept me alive these past few months (and the only two people who INTENTIONALLY read this...)

• McCreeper... i love you. you are the ONLY person who has been there for me every time that ive needed you, even if we hardly hang out in person anymore, it doesnt really matter cuz we are gunna have crazy times this summer. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
• and Mo: good god there isnt much that i can actually put into words. i mean... have i told you that i love you lately? cuz i do and you should know it. thank you so much. and i hope you have an amazing summer back home.
• both of you deserve the world. everything that youve ever asked for SHOULD be granted to you, one way or another. and i will do my best to make that happen.

im lost

so i really dont know whats going down anymore...
have you ever felt like your life was all figured out? and then did you realize that nothing is even close to being figured out?
i dont really know who im still friends with anymore, besides maybe 3 people. but one person i have a good chance of never seeing again and i dont hardly talk to the second anymore. and the third is (probably) the only person who reads this blog because shes such a creeper... =-].
but when i started, hell, this month....

i thought i was tight with (let me count...) atleast 5 people. one i havent talked to in forever even though she promised she would always be there for me, and probably never will again. one i realized is a total bitch to me, and i dont even think she realizes it. one i have no clue what happened, but weve been on thin ice for the longest time it seems, and i dont even know why. one i hardly talk to mostly because of her affiliation with the previous three. and the last i am still tight with, but i probably will never see him after finals next week.

the thing im worried about is the fact that i wont see yall over summer, and i know things will get awkward and uncomfortable when we get back. i dont think any of you realize that youve become my family here. the only problem is that im the only one who lives here. so when you leave here you have your own families to go back too. and you complain about going back to them, but you still cant wait to get away from this "awful place" because "it sucks and you hate it". when you say those two things in less than a minute of eachother to my face have you eer thought of how that gets interpreted by me?
i mean not one of you has even told me that you are going to miss me. you just tell eachother how much fun youre gunna have and cant wait to get away from this shithole. this shithole is where i was born and raised and have to spend my summer missing you all.

i dont think any of you honestly realize just how much i need you. like honesly, please come talk to me tomorrow, one last time before you go...

wow i cant believe im talking to you about this... when you wont even read it,

somehow

so i gave a friend some advice today, and i thought it was worthy advice, even if it doesnt pertain to you.
i was talking with a friend who is going through a hard time about how she enjoys swimming and it helps her clear her head. but this friend has always had a hard life and hard time dealing with it. so when we began talking, i began to compare life to the pool:

-life can start to rain on you, then it can start to pour. you wont even notice until a flash flood hits you. you can dive as deep as you want into the water but you will always come up for air. and until you can learn to tread water, i will always be your lifeline.-
i love you v, i hope you can make it through.

today i was thinking about why i began to write this blog.
A. i do it because i need an outlet SOMEHOW. and seeing as the people i generally trust have their own issues or hae forgotten me in that light, or for whatever somewhat legit reason i dont hardly talk to anymore (though some of you are still out there), this is the best outlet because of reason b.
B. i sat down to open up the journal mentioned in my prior post given to me by someone i trusted. i realized that i am as over certain events involving that person as i probably will ever be, but seeing it and reading older entries in it... i just dont want to draw up memories of those things.

so i am writing to you... who ever you are out there. and i ask you honestly: "is this somewhere i belong?"

off my chest

so i know that my previous post sounded dismal and depressing and lonely, but dont think of it that way and do not feel sorry for me.
life gets shitty. people enter. people leave. ive learned to deal with it, it doesnt change the fact that it happens though. ive learned that if i stop trying to hold onto someone as my friend and let them walk in and out of my life, no questions asked, i may never have such close friends as most people, but i less dissapointment coming my way and a little black journal that the people i once considered friends gave me.
i often dont find comfort in my sleepless nights or watching people pal around while i sit alone in a spot set in stone. but i do take in everything around me and i try to think positive thoughts and be a happy person.
the problem is that i never feel complete.
i have all the oppurtunities in the world, but not ones that ive ever felt i wanted to use.
i want a frienship that fills the holes in my heart left from years of stress and lack of sleep.
i want everything in the world ive never had... atleast everything in the world that money CAN'T buy.
i dont care for money. i would take love over material objects anyday. just be there for me.
i have plenty of people who BELIEVE that they are there, but what they dont realize is that being there is a constant check up and taking time out of your busy day of screwing around when im sitting alone listening to music, not paying attention.

for all of you who wont read this but i hope do. i miss you. we hardly talk anymore, and soon enough we wont talk at all. i doubt that youll even remember me for what i used to be to you, if you even do now.
i understand why this is though. we are from different worlds, and its harder to accept me when i dont fit in. but i really wish that i did, just because i love you all so much.
and i hope you never ever say that youll always be there for me or that you love me, because you know what happened to the last person who said that to me *poof*.

anyways. its been fun. i started trying to write something happy but my mind wanders a bit sometimes, im sorry.

until next time...

preface

i dont know about much in the world as of now, like what anyone else thinks or what anyone else is doing, but i do know that no one who listens to me listens for long. ive had many people tell me that they would always be there for me no matter where life takes me. but everyone of these people has stopped treating me the same way as they did when they said that. now im left with few friends and no clue what im doing.