"I Memorized All the Words for You...

...But if you only knew how much that's just not like me."

Has anyone ever had someone do something extremely nice, or not even extremely nice, just something subtle that made you smile?

Ever wonder why that person did it? If thats something they just do, or if it's something that they had to put a lot of effort and time into because they care...

Since i figure the only people who read this are female...

Remember the last time you spoke to a boy on the phone, lets say his name is Nathan... or Danny?

you probably sat on the phone and talked for a while about absolutely nothing. and you didnt even think about the possibility that maybe he never stays up that late or he hates talking on the phone, but he did it just for you.

Ive been on the giving end before, and its gone unappreciated. Next time you talk to, text, see, get a present from someone, think about the small things that went into that moment, was it something in their character? or did they go out of their way just for you...?

I wait up late every night just to hear your voice... But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

guess who's backk......

hey, been OT for a few weeks. but im BACCCKKKKKKK! i was at church camp. that was pretty friggin tight. lots of friends, lots of fun. some trouble though. =-[

then i got home and found out i was goin to idaho with my best friend since i can remember that i hadnt seen in a year. so that was tight.

i was only sober one day out of the whole two weeks, great times =-]. his sister was a bitch though. and i had no service or internet. and i dislocated both my shoulders, but overall, i had a blast. btu i also thought a lot. and i realized, why bitch and moan to all of you about everything? lifes goin really great, so thank you all for playin atleast a small role in my life

people shouldnt die. period.

death just shouldnt happen. no one is ready for it. no one deserves it. no ones time should come. it doesnt matter if theyre 99.5 and been chillin in bed the past few years. they shouldnt die. its just not right. even worse, having to say goodbye. its one thing to say goodbye to someone forever if you know that they are just leaving and you wont ever see them again, but theyre alive. its another if theyre dying and you have to say goodbye. you feel incomplete if you dont, but if you do you feel aweful and want to go crawl in a whole and never come out. ive had to do it before. i have to do it tomorrow morning. its just not right. i dont want to say goodbye. never having to say goodbye is probably the most childish way of convincing yourself that someone isnt going to leave you, but its inevitable and unfair.
people often use the quote "if theres one thing ive learned about life, its that it goes on" or something similar. thats not necissarily true. that quote can only apply for so long. one day the person you say that to will die. and then youll realize that thats false. im alone, im scared, and i just said goodbye to a family member for the last time ever... i dont really feel like trusting in someones faith in the fact that life "goes on".

"Even though I know, I don’t want to know. Yeah I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds..."

hmmmm

i wanted to type up some epic blog post that would like blow everyones minds... but i just havent had one of those days... or weeks... i dunno. im just not feelin the love, ya know? its summer and im bored everyday. but like, more so than usual. i actually picked up a book today, its mind blowing. im actually planning on reading more. too bad that in under 12 hours ill be in a gym working out, huffin and puffin =-[. fuck football. alright.... im gunna go read again. im not really in the thinking state of mind lately, i dunno if ill continue the blog, not if i cant figure out something worth writing about.

"and now you've got me thinking about the first time that i met you. standing in a crowded room, but i could only see you."

how much longer can it go...?

i was wondering today...
if everything that you do has some sort of significant meaning, atleast to you, doesnt it just make everything plain, not significant at all, because it all has significant value?
i wonder how many times ive done something or said something that was just brushed aside because it was so insignificant to the person i was with. i dont know, theres no one around anymore to worry about that happening with.
this train of thought is going no where good.

i wonder if i can put my head between two speakers and blast music loud enough i could just rattle my brain loose from the stem? like... it seems like a pretty legit way to die. they always say its better to go doin somethin you love... and if you dont love anything anymore, why not go doin the one thing you do everyday anyways?

i was thinking about how its only what? 5-6 days into summer? already im losing myself, haha, to myself. and im losing contact with people i care about. and im losing my way. if i do make it through this summer (doubtful), there is no way in hell that im coming out the same way i went in. i get the feeling that by the end of this month, ill have lost all contact with the people i love, lost my mind, and lost who ive become. ill probably start over from square one, alone and scared of the world around me. but now that i know how the world around me is, ill be ever more scared of myself. i dont want that to happen, not again. but ive let myself fall into the same routein that i was in last year. this time people have helped chose the path ive walked down, they just decided to back out as soon as they realized that im committed to where they wanted me to go.

its not my intention to depress you, i just wanted to say what i was feeling...

*good morning day. im sorry im not there, all my favorite friends vanished in the air...*

while i was listening to 'window song' i started to think...

i just realized something. if i had written down every thought that i didnt vocalize. scratch that, every thought that deserved to be vovalized. again, scratch that, every thought that deserved to be vocalized to YOU, i would still have enough words to write a novel. i mean think about it, theres what two people who read this? maybe three or four on a good day. people that i actually speak to. if i said everything that i shouldve said but was embarresed or scared or just to dumb to realize how important it was... damn i couldve spoken for hours.
a few things that have just run through my mind that shouldve been said

• i love you
• i miss you
• im listening
• i respected your opinion above all else
• i just wanted to chill...
• is this how its always gunna be?
• why?
• when?
• what if?
• i like your shirt

there are so many scenarios where these things get ignored. i know if i had a chance to do it all over again, i wouldve said it. cause i meant it. i probably still do.

who hasnt ignored a thought and wished that they had said it, but the moment passed? who hasnt been embarresed to say something, so they try to forget it? but usually if im staying quiet, its cuz im scared to say what im thinkin, when in realality, its probably worth saying. o well, thats just my opinion i guess.

"... and i write all the words i never said to you."

my day will come

i didnt sleep last night. well i did, but for all of five minutes. i woke up scared because i had the same nightmare again. after that i spent the next 14 hours curled up in my bed listening to music.
its scary that it still happens. the only reason i can think of for it happening is that i still care. i mean, i do. but i dont know if i want to keep caring. it seems like every time i try to care, shit gets hairy and i get shut out. if youre reading this, just let me know what you want out of me, if i should try, or if its even worth it, cuz im willing. i always have been.

anyways, im pretty much too scared to go back to bed. i think im going even crazier, more than voices and shit

"this house is not a home..."