how much longer can it go...?

i was wondering today...
if everything that you do has some sort of significant meaning, atleast to you, doesnt it just make everything plain, not significant at all, because it all has significant value?
i wonder how many times ive done something or said something that was just brushed aside because it was so insignificant to the person i was with. i dont know, theres no one around anymore to worry about that happening with.
this train of thought is going no where good.

i wonder if i can put my head between two speakers and blast music loud enough i could just rattle my brain loose from the stem? like... it seems like a pretty legit way to die. they always say its better to go doin somethin you love... and if you dont love anything anymore, why not go doin the one thing you do everyday anyways?

i was thinking about how its only what? 5-6 days into summer? already im losing myself, haha, to myself. and im losing contact with people i care about. and im losing my way. if i do make it through this summer (doubtful), there is no way in hell that im coming out the same way i went in. i get the feeling that by the end of this month, ill have lost all contact with the people i love, lost my mind, and lost who ive become. ill probably start over from square one, alone and scared of the world around me. but now that i know how the world around me is, ill be ever more scared of myself. i dont want that to happen, not again. but ive let myself fall into the same routein that i was in last year. this time people have helped chose the path ive walked down, they just decided to back out as soon as they realized that im committed to where they wanted me to go.

its not my intention to depress you, i just wanted to say what i was feeling...

*good morning day. im sorry im not there, all my favorite friends vanished in the air...*